CTRL
by SlytherinElektra
Summary: Avenger!Loki Somebody is controlling Loki and it's hurting him. 5 people on the team who notice and try to do something about it.


Natasha

 _The most effective way of controlling somebody is if they don't know that they are being controlled. If they think they're doing everything they please, if they don't suspect your hand in what they are doing, your power over them will be almost limitless. Your control will be nearly absolute._

Natasha

She didn't want to see it, didn't want to think about it. Purposefully ignored the signs she knew there, turned a blind eye to the whole thing. Because she was tired of that situation, and all the hurt and pain it inevitably brought with it. She live'd it in the first person, in her own flesh and blood when she was younger, and knew of its horrors and of the sequels it left. The last thing she wanted was to relive that hell.

She remembered being programmed and acting without doubt, quick, efficient, because that was what she had to do, because that was her mission in life, her reason for existing. She remembers hearing their voice, their codes, everytime she tried torebel and not being able, being stuck, unable to anything else. Not that she should want to do anything like that. She should be proud of her work, of all that she'd achieved and how many breakthrough they'd gotten through her.

But sometimes there came moments when she wondered if she actually had a choice, if he could get out if she wanted to, and all her carefully constructed world of Russian stiffness came undone. There lay the weakness of the control of their superiors: she, and the rest of the operatives, were painfully aware of their situation, of how those people in the top had shaped them and were now making use of them.

But he didn't know, he was clearly oblivious.

Still, Natasha could see it, clear as day, and was surprised that she hadn't noticed anything else before, that she hadn't realised what was going on with him. There was somebody there, in Loki's head, pretending to be him but taking over his will, whispering orders that felt like his own ideas but weren't, erasing him little by little. He, like her so long ago, had no choice, He was being used that wasn't his own, like a puppet, like a pawn.

The most obvious signs were the physical ones. Dark shadows, fatigue, headaches, all telling of a conflicted, troubled mind, not too likely in a god. Something wasn't working there -he was fighting in his own head, and it showed in his body. These were things you never saw on Thor.

But there were also other things Natasha noticed. A twitch, an excessive reaction to certain words, a moment of stopping, of doubt, a certain look in his eyes, a flinch, a grimace. The cracks in the compulsion, the real Loki trying to get out, to win the place that was his. Maybe part of him already knew, but didn't let himself believe. Better to think yourself evil than an used vessel.

She hadn't planned on doing anything about it (what would she earn helping him anyways? What was in it for her, how could she benefit?). But it bugged her, the way the others treated him, the way they spoke about him and his past, the way he constantly had to defend himself.

Once, she invited him for drinks to assess the situation fully. Denial, pain, despair. Unknowingly maybe, but he wanted to get out, he was drowning in himself and didn't know why. She understood him all too well – knew where that came from, knew how difficult days and nights were when one's sense of self was fading. She didn't wish it on anyone, specially on somebody she knew.

She didn't get too involved – that wouldn't be her style. But she did leave a note with her Decalogue: ten little actions that had helped when the shadow of the red room loomed over her.

Sometimes she heard him whisper a number three under his breath, or do a number seven with his eyes, and smiled to herself. Whoever had done that to Loki was good, but she was better. And if she ever found them... well, they better run.

Chapter 2

Bruce

As the non-official Doctor of the Avengers (they had trained medical personnel both from SHIELD and from Stark industries, but they somehow always went to him) Bruce was observant of his teammates ailments, injuries, scars, tendency to sicknesses, etc, which were all very varied. That way, even without access to documents, he had a mental clinical history of sorts, he knew what to hold on to when somebody came to him.

Clint had occasional joint problems, Cap had many broken and re-healed bones, Tony had practically everything from PTSD to lung problems, and Natasha and Thor didn't have many problems, just some mental issues on the former and some battle scars on the latter. As new people came, Bruce did his check-up of them, too. Wanda didn't have many problems, young as she was. Scott did have because a) he wasn't all that young and b) he'd had a rough life. He did this with Loki, too, a bot of guilt from when the Hulk beat him still lingering.

Loki had headaches, and lots of them, some of which could even qualify as migraines. Sometimes he had to shut his eyes, sometimes he couldn't stand noise – he didn't seem to have much problem with light, but sound and voices... He also sometimes had balance problems (he swayed, he wavered) and had passed out a couple of times. Funny, as Thor never even seemed to be able to get sick. From what Bruce had seen of Asgardians, sickness wasn't part of their lives, wasn't part of what they were made of. Sure, they got injured in battle, but that was it. Loki, on the other hand...

There was something there Bruce wasn't seeing, a cause for all those headaches and problems. Yeah, he may have always been weaker than Thor but there was no reason for him to have such headaches. After a mission in which a concerned Scott (they often paired up, maybe because they were both former criminals or a bit of underdogs, they'd hit it off) told Bruce that his partner had nearly passed out a couple of times. Bruce asked Loki to come for some tests, to see if they could figure out the origin of all that.

The doctor didn't know if the test would work, or if he'd be able to read the results as Loki was technically a different species. But both he and Thor were strikingly similar to humans and he had Jane Foster on speed dial, who, despite being an astrophysicist, knew much more about Asgardians than he did and was in general a very knowledgeable scientist.

It was difficult to convince the god, but in the end he managed to make him come. He did an MRI, a CT scan and all the test he could think of. The readings, were odd, to say the least, but at least Loki was a better patient than expected (unlike some other people *coughTonycough*). Bruce thought the god was a bit touched that they cared enough to run those tests, to ask him to get them. As he was trying to make something of the readings he had and the results from the tests, he noticed a disturbing pattern, something that was a bit different.

Different figures, different colours but all making a whole somehow. Bruce didn't know what it meant, but he guessed that the dissonant thing, whatever it was, was what was causing Loki's headaches and other health issues. There was something there that shouldn't be there, that much was clear. But now he didn't know what to do with that information. Should he tell somebody? Tell him? And what would he tell them, Loki's got something in his head and I don't really know what? Should he try to get a biopsy or something? Get it out? He wasn't really a surgeon, but he doubted Loki would let any other mortal open him up. Should he contact somebody from Asgard? Nah, his patient didn't seem to have a good realtionship with... well, the whole planet.

So, he did some more tests and then some more tests. He found out some more information, that the whatever it was (god, with a guy like him, it could even be magic) was conected to his centres of decision and that they somehow impeded free will thinking. The headaches, the fainting, all of that was just his friend trying to get rid of that foreign force.

Bruce could relate. He was used to living with a stranger in his head, someone else there who sometimes disagreed with you. But things were better now: the Hulk and Bruce had come to a sort of understanding, it was more fluid now. The other was him, too. This was different, this was something done unto Loki without him noticing, something that was hurting him. Bad.

And so Bruce swore, if he had to use all the science in the world, that he would find a way to get whatever it was out of Loki's head, fix him. They may not have had the best of starts, but they were better now, and they were team mates. Yeah, he would fix this.

He would science the hell out of this.

Chapter 3

Darcy

There was something really off about Thor's brother. I mean, he had always been a bit of a weird guy, even more than Thor, because despite his Shakespeari-a shenanigans, Thor was a classic soldier, a big old brave puppy, Godric Gryffindor himself (yes, Ian had got her into Harry Potter and it was good, maybe the best thing to come out of their short British fling). But Loki... Loki was too complex, he was not even Shakespeare. He was Lovecraft, he was those weird Lynch movies that were good, but you also knew that there were a lot of things you didn't understand in it.

They had a nice relationship, her and Loki. They liked specially going to clubs and paiting the town red, Loki was amaaaaaazing at cocktails. It was nice, because as much as she loved Jane, she could sometimes be too much of a goody two shoes, the only allnighters she pulled were working or studying (or with Thor, I mean, what kind of luck?) and she neededsomething else. To let go of everything, jump around, dance to her tunes, have some good alcholic fun.

And she enjoyed talking with Loki,because she understood doing things just to spite others, he could be bitter and mean, but also really sensitive and understanding when he wanted to (aka with the few people he gave a damn about, which happily included her) and he was a great listener. She could tell him anything, and he wouldn't judge. Whatever terrible thing she'd done, he had done worse, so she didn't worry about shocking him, or hearing judgey words. It was actually quite liberating.

But the more she got to know him, the more she could see that something was wrong. Something other than him being traumatised by the species he actually was and having been lied and then rejected at the edge of an abyss, and then turning evil, and then losing his mom, and then being helpful, and going evil again, but onlyslightly and his constant fight of what the hell to be. There was something bigger going on, something that kinda dull his bright internal light (alight that was neither white like Thor's or black, but confusing, conflicting green- wow that came out really poetic, she should really tell Loki about it), something was off, not quite right.

And Darcy didn't know, couldn't know what it was, she was a mere political science major who had dabbled in some science, troubles of conflicted Asgardian Gods who was not something she could recognise in sight.

Still, she did the best she could to comfort him. Maybe she wouldn't fix whatever was wrong with him, but she could at least make him feel better about it. She had been a pretty popular girl, and then the whole thing with Jane and Thor and moving to London made her... weirder. Less social in way, more... introspective. Loki had brought back a bit of joy she used to have, and she was ok, maybe she didn't havea lot of friends anymore, because they hadmoved, and were getting married and pregnant, and moving on with their lives and she liked having Loki around.

So she tried to lowkey take care of him, look after him. She would always have a whole thing of his favourite ice cream at home (mint chocolate chip, and wasn't that super fitting) and she made sure to tell him that he looked good when he did (which was almost always, jesus, that man) and you know, occasionally not just go out, but stay in, cuddle on the sofa with a movie or something. He was lacking affection, and surely that was not the real problem, but hey, it probably wouldn't hurt.

Loki was grateful. He even told her once that she was one of his favourite mortals ever. And if one day he wanted to talk about whatever was going on, Darcy would be there.

Tony

He was having a drink by himself, looking at the vastness of New York under him through those great windows in Stark Tower, thinking about everything and nothing, about his ups and downs with the others, about the responsibility of being a hero, Pepper, Rhodey, the young and promising Peter... and while he was in the middle of everything, he was joined by a silent shadow.

"Hello, Loki."

The god didn't answer, He hadn't wanted to be noticed, but Stark was too perceptive for his own good. Loki had just wanted to get a yougurt and some chocolate and then go back to his room to agonise and read Vonnegut in peace. Tony wasn't letting him go that easy, though.

"Bruce told me about your head. I have like a gazillion painkillers and things like that if you ever need something. Some of them pretty strong stuff, but I think you can handle them."

"Your mortal drugs have a negligible effect on me, I will continue with my usual diet of liquor and chocolate should the pain become too much."

"Not a bad idea. There's a lot of that around too, and you are very welcome to help yourself."

"That is very kind of you. You have my gratitude, Anthony."

"He'll find a way, you know. Bruce, I mean, and his team of on-call sicentists. They'll get that thing out of you,I'm sure."

Loki doubted for a moment, unsure if he wanted to continue with that conversation.

"This... thing has been with me for so long, I don't know if I would recognise myself without it. I don't who I am without that anymore, what is left of who used to be me."

"Oh, come on Lokes, I'm sure that's not true. One doesn't develop a sense of humour and a love for mischief like your just by being a vessel for evil."

"I remember who I was, but I don't know if I can be that person anymore. What's happened since I fell from the Bifrost is the only thing other see of me. The only thing I seem to be able to think about. It changed everything."

"So you'll have to rebuild yourself a bit, big deal. Yeah, it'll take time and effort, but if it's for the better..."

"I don't know if I have the strength to do that."

"You're a god."

"It's not that easy."

There was a moment of silence while Tony sipped his scotch and pondered if he should say what he was really thinking about. It was a very delicate issue and maybe Loki would not want to talk about it. Well, he'd never been one to hold back, so...

"Thor says that you didn't fall from that rainbow bridge. He says that you let go, threw yourself."

Loki directed a sharp look in his direction. Sure, he was friendly with Stark, but there were some things that were simply unmentionable. Never spoken about. But Stark had a tendency to step over each of the many boundaries he set for himself, and do it almost casually.

"It's ok." Stark continued. "We all have our low moments."

"Yes, Dr. Banner told me about himself."

It had made Loki closer to the physicist, knowing about the incident with the gun and how the Hulk had decided he wasn't dying. It was nice to know that he wasn't alone in his suicidal tendencies, and nice of the Doctor to share it with him.

"And if I tell you the truth," Tony said, pouring himself another drink and filling Loki's glass while he was at it. "I've thought about it maaaany times. Generally I haven't done it because of Pepper, but if she found someone else, married them or something, I don't know, man. Sometimes, the amount of responsibility, the guilt... it's overwhelming."

"What do you have to feel gulty about?"

A shining beacon of hope, the brain and primary income source of the Avengers, what could he know of guilt?"

"So many things: Ultron and all the damage he caused, what happened to Rhodey, Happy almost dying because he was MY driver, the Maximoff kids being trapped for days, all the horror caused by my weapons... It goes on and on, but I wouldn't want to bore you."

"You did not purposefully do any of that. You can not hold yourself accountable for outcomes you did not foresee. Your guilt is misplaced."

"That's waful nice of you to say, Horns. I'd expect it from Cap or Pepper, but you? Anyways, what about you? You ever feel guilty about what you did?"

"I didn't use to – I rationalise my actions so that the damage caused can feel necessary, benefitial even, but there's always something there, gnawing at me, telling me I could have done better, telling everything would be better if I wasn't involved. I am supposed to smarter than all those mistakes I've made, all those dumb decisions."

"Well, if Bruce is right, you're probably not totally to blame for those. Having someone else in your head can mess you up."

"And who will believe that? I find it hard to believe myself, surely the general public won't either. Regardless of how true that might be, everyone will always remember me as that wannabe destroyed who was easily defeated by the Avengers."

"Bit of a gloomy guy, are you not?"

"What is that saying about pots and kettles, Mr. everything bad that happens to those around me is my fault?"

"Touché. But going back to the important bit – you shouldn't feel bat about New York because it probably wasn't all you. And for what is worth, I'd be pretty bummed out if you offed yourself, so, you know... don't."

Loki stiffled a laugh.

"You know, that's all I asked from Odin when I was hanging in the Bifrost. A simple "please don't kill yourself" - and not even that I got."

"Cold. I've never met the guy but I already hate him."

Loki sighed.

"Will we ever stop fighting with ourselves, Anthony?"

"Unlikely. But in the meantime, we have booze, a nice view and some wonderful company."

"To us, Lokes, to finding peace."

They toasted and looked down. It was good having people totalk to, who could understand you even in your lowest moments. Tony vowed in that moment that from the next day he'd help Bruce with his research, financially, scientifically, in whatever capacity he could. He deserved that.

Wanda

She had never thought of what she could do as magic, but she didn't dislike it. It gave her a sense of belonging – a kind of structure. She felt less alone knowing that there were other people who could do similar things to her. Someone who could guide her, help her control herself and make the best of what she could do.

Some people were worried about Loki teaching her magic, what with his homicidal past and all. They knew how powerful Wanda could be and Loki could help her reach her full potential: something that nobody wanted, because they didn't trust her.

Loki and Wanda were similar in many aspects: they had started working against the Avengers, they were foreigners and they could get into people's heads and cause extensive damage with powers the rest of the world didn't fully understand. She had an easy understanding with him, he was one of the few people left with whom a look didn't need any more words.

Thanks to him she understood what she could do better, and wasn't afraid to use it. She learned to control it in a way she couldn't before. He was a sort of mentor to her, and she was grateful for it. She could go to him with any sorts of doubts ad he would answer,politely, with one of his crooked smiles. It was nice.

Personality wise, though, they were very different. She was young and new into this power business, he was hundreds of years old; she was confident and he just pretended to be, while hiding deep insecurities; she was driven, motivated, while he was a bit more reflective. But it was good, because they had a balancing effect on each other: she soothed him, he encouraged her. It was mutually benefitial.

In fact,he was one of the people he appreciated most in their team, after Vision, of course, and maybe Clint and Steve, who had helped her after she lost her brother. So when she found out about his little problem,she decided she had to help.

Of course, she could go into his mind, that was one of her specialties, but it was also a very private, intimate thing and she didn'twant to do anything over the line,specially with someone she cared about. But she felt she could do something for him, and she wanted to do a bit back from everything she'd received.

After some time, he granted her trusted Wanda, even if she was ridiculously young and not at all Asgardian. She was a very capable sorceress, and she was more likely to figure out what was happening and to get those voices to stop than Banner and his science, or Romanoff with her spy techniques. She actually could do something useful, because this clearly had something to do with magic, and she was very powerful with hers.

There was someone in there, something slightly familiar and very otherworldly. Not a common mortal, or a god, but someone even beyond that – a titan. She very kindly but determinedly told him to get out, leave her friend alone. The presence felt shocked that it was being discovered and that someone was adressing it, and refused to leave, asking who she thought she was.

"I am the Scarlet Witch. You may not know me, but you will. I am not asking you to leave. I am demanding it."


End file.
